


everything that isn't you

by majesdane



Category: Degrassi the Next Generation
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-06
Updated: 2009-12-06
Packaged: 2017-10-04 05:33:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Alex hated how Paige so easily rejected her, how easily Paige just shot her down, so it felt damn good knocking Paige down a few pegs.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	everything that isn't you

Paige does not like Carla.

Alex could tell by the way Paige scowled when she introduced Carla to everyone at the Michalchuck and Del Rossi dinner and the way she avoided Alex's eyes for the rest of the meal. And Alex both loves it and hates it that Paige is jealous, but she's not sure which one is more true. The point of bringing Carla to dinner in the first place was to hurt Paige, to prove that Alex didn't need her. And it worked, of course, because Paige was the jealous type, and Alex had practiced her lines over and over again in her head on the drive over, to make sure that she could hurt Paige, bad, just like Paige had hurt her before.

Alex hated how Paige so easily rejected her, how easily Paige just shot her down, so it felt damn good knocking Paige down a few pegs. When Mrs. Michalchuck started to go on and on about how perfect the blond was, Alex just had to chip in about how wonderful and smart Carla was; watching Paige squirm was one of the most satisfying things to see. Of course, Carla glared at her across the table, but Alex refused to let things go, because, dammit, she _liked_ having the upper-hand with Paige for once.

But at the end of the day, Carla was not Paige, and Alex hated it.

"See you later?" Carla asked, once they were outside Alex's apartment building, shivering in the chill night air.

"Yeah, sure," Alex muttered, as Carla gave her a quick kiss, before heading back to her car.

Alex watched her go and thought about how many times she'd watched Paige do the same exact thing. Except, back then, usually she'd chased Paige back down, not wanting to see the blond leave. And Paige would protest, weakly, that it was late and she really needed to get back, but in the end, they'd always wind up in the backseat of Paige's car, their breaths coming out in short gasps, as Alex kissed Paige, hard, trying to make the moment last forever. But Alex never did that with Carla, because Carla disapproved of inpromptu make out sessions in the backseat of cars.

In her room, she lies on her bed and listens, for about the five hundredth time, to the voice mail Paige had left on her phone early Friday, and her stomach twists every time she hears Paige tell her that she really hopes she'll see her at Marco and Dylan's. She was so stupid to get her hopes up, to think that maybe Paige still had feelings for her. And for a second, when they were on the couch together, she thought that maybe, just maybe, Paige really was still in love with her. But, no, of course she wasn't, because the next day she pushed Alex away again.

Alex didn't like this game, the one where Paige pretended to want her, leaving her stupid messages on her voice mail, and spending the night on the couch with her, only to hurt her, bad, the next day. And she wished, more than anything, that she could just not care any longer, that she could just forget about the way her stomach did flip-flops every time Paige looked at her. That would make things so much easier, and Alex had learned a long time ago that things were never easy, especially where Paige Michalchuck was involved, but it didn't stop her from at least trying. After all, she was dating Carla now, and that was certainly a step in the right direction, even if every time Carla kissed her she closed her eyes and thought of Paige instead.

"How are you?" Carla asked, the next day, when Alex gets out of class and goes to visit Carla at her dorm room.

"Fine," Alex said, though she's mad at herself, for being such an idiot yesterday to Paige. She sat on the edge of Carla's bed and attempted to smile, just to prove that she was absolutely okay and nothing was bothering her.

"You're upset," Carla said, seeing right through her. Alex studied the pattern on Carla's comforter, running her fingertips over the soft material. She stayed silent.

Carla sighed. "Look, is this about Paige?"

Alex hated the way Carla said Paige's name, her tone thick with jealousy. "Not everything is about Paige, Carla," she said, flatly.

"But this is, isn't it?" Carla pressured, and Alex scowled, not liking how Carla was trying to make her feel even worse right now. She knew where Carla was coming from, but, damn it, Carla had no right to try and make her feel guilty for thinking about Paige.

"It's nothing," Alex said dismissively. "Just forget it."

Carla frowned at that. Alex stood, shoving her hands into her pockets.

"Look, I've got to go," she muttered, and walked out, like a coward. She should have just said something then, instead of always leaving things unfinished. She should have told Carla exactly how she felt just then, she should have taken a page from Paige's book and said that the subway was running over her lungs and she just couldn't breathe, because things were much too complicated right now. But instead she said nothing, striding out of Carla's room without a backwards glance.

It was all Paige's goddamn fault, because if she'd just never called her, and she'd just never made Alex stay the night, and if she'd just never said anything this weekend, then things would be so much easier.

And it would be so much easier if she just didn't love Paige anymore.


End file.
